Parenting is a journey filled with love, joy, countless precious moments, and yes, plenty of challenges. Every parent dreams of raising their children in the best possible way, but there are moments when patience runs thin, voices get raised and, well, tears flow.
When we react by yelling, we can feel it disrupt the peace and harmony we strive to build in our homes. So, how can we become better parents without resorting to shouting?
Today, we have four practical tips to share with you. But before we get to that, there’s something you need to understand as you embark on this journey into calmer parenting. It’s called metacognition, a powerful tool every parent should use.
Metacognition simply means thinking about your thinking. It’s the awareness and understanding of your own thought processes. Like stepping outside of yourself and observing your thoughts and actions.
When you find yourself yelling, it helps to step back and ask, “Why am I yelling?” Is it because of frustration, anger, or just habit? Many times, yelling is something we learned from our own upbringing.
By understanding the reason behind the yelling and recognizing the patterns and triggers that lead to it, you can increase your self-awareness and control, breaking the cycle and responding with more thoughtfulness.
This practice not only reduces yelling but also helps develop emotional intelligence in both parents and children.
4 Effective Strategies That Will Help Parents Who Want to Stop Yelling
1. Separate Emotion from Discipline
Effective discipline is about being consistent and clear, not emotional. When discipline is approached in a calm, business-like manner, it removes the emotional charge and reduces power struggles. Smiling while providing choices makes children think while showing anger often leads to defiance. By separating emotion from discipline, parents maintain authority and stability, making it clear that discipline is about teaching and guidance, not punishment.
When emotions are high, it’s easy to say things in anger that might hurt a child’s feelings or damage the parent-child relationship. Instead, explain the consequences of their actions calmly and clearly. For instance, if a child breaks a rule, calmly explain why the rule is important and what the consequences are for breaking it.
Using positive reinforcement can also be effective. Praise and reward good behaviour to encourage more of it. This not only reinforces positive actions but also builds a stronger, more positive relationship between parent and child. Remember, the goal of discipline is to help children learn and grow, not to instil fear or resentment.
2. Be Clear on What Can Be Controlled
It’s important to understand what we can and cannot control. Many of the things that trigger our yelling are often beyond our control. For instance, we cannot control a child’s natural curiosity or their occasional tantrums. Trying to change something that is uncontrollable leads to frustration. By focusing only on what we can control, we reduce our frustration and the urge to yell decreases.
Take a moment to think about the last time you yelled. Was it because something didn’t go as planned? Maybe the children didn’t clean their room, or they were fighting with each other. Reflect on whether these are things you can control directly. Instead of trying to control the uncontrollable, focus on guiding and supporting your children in making better choices.
For example, instead of yelling at a child for not finishing their homework, set up a routine and create a conducive environment for studying. Encourage and support them, and understand that sometimes they might need a break.
3. Try your best to maintain a calm demeanour
Keeping a calm voice, face, and body is essential in managing our emotions. When we stay calm, we think more clearly and set a positive example for our children. This approach, helps us solve problems more creatively and effectively. It’s a powerful tool for any parent.
Staying calm in stressful situations is not easy, but it is achievable with practice. One technique is to take deep breaths before responding to a challenging situation. Deep breathing helps in calming the nervous system and reduces the immediate urge to react with anger. Another method is to take a brief pause. This pause allows you to gather your thoughts and respond more thoughtfully.
Incorporating mindfulness practices into your daily routine can also be beneficial. Mindfulness helps you stay present and aware of your emotions. It teaches you to respond rather than react, leading to a more composed and calm demeanour. When parents are calm, it creates a safe and stable environment for children, encouraging them to mirror the same calmness in their behaviour.
4. Offer Controlled Choices
Children always want choices, even in challenging situations. Giving them two acceptable choices helps guide their behaviour while giving them a sense of control. For instance, if a child doesn’t want to get dressed for school, offer them the choice to dress themselves or be assisted. Both outcomes are acceptable to the parent, and one is directly controlled. This method reduces the need for yelling as the situation remains manageable.
Offering choices empowers children and teaches them responsibility. It shifts the focus from what they can’t do to what they can choose to do. This method works well because it respects the child’s autonomy while still guiding their actions. If a child refuses to eat their vegetables, you can offer them a choice: “Would you like to eat your vegetables first or your chicken?” This way, they still have to eat their vegetables, but they get to choose the order, which gives them a sense of control.
Parenting is about providing a foundation of love and security. Children need to know that they are loved and accepted for who they are, not just for what they do. This unconditional love gives them the confidence to explore, make mistakes, and learn from them. It’s important to separate a child’s actions from their worth. Even when they make mistakes, they need to know that they are still loved and valued.
Becoming the parent who rarely or never yells is challenging but achievable. By understanding metacognition, focusing on controllable factors, maintaining a calm demeanour, offering choices, and remembering the core job of parenting, we can create a more peaceful and effective approach.
