God created sex. It was His idea. And He made it G-O-O-O-O-D. Sadly, married couples (who still love and care for each other) can get to the point where they just don’t see each other sexually any more. No more holding of hands or kissing for longer than just a peck.
Some reasons for this loss of sexual passion can include:
1. Sex is happening infrequently — or not at all.
2. Sex has become a routine.
3. Only one partner seems to be initiating sex — and that partner is often rejected.
4. When partners no longer pay attention to their appearance.
First things first, you need to ditch the myth that sex should always be spontaneous and easy. Like any other aspect of a healthy relationship, good sex takes time and energy. You have to make an effort.
Start by focusing on your connection with one another. Being able to communicate is essential both inside and outside the bedroom. Ask your partner some questions you’d feel safe asking a good friend. Be open about your feelings. Once your communication is back on track then you can try these tips:
1. BOOST YOUR DOPAMINE LEVELS TOGETHER.
One thing that caused butterflies when you first met was the chemical cocktail in your bodies. Recreate this by doing something novel — something new and fun that you’re both excited to try. Studies have shown that sharing an activity that is novel and exciting can increase your sense of passion. For example: Plan to meet at a restaurant or date venue, rather than going there together. You did that at the beginning before you lived together and when you still had knots of excitement in your stomach.
2. KISS MORE & REGULARLY.
At the beginning of a relationship, couples often enjoy deep kissing, but over time they tend to stop. Continuing to hug, kiss, cuddle is an important component of a healthy relationship. Kiss on the mouth regularly, during sex and at other times.
3. REMEMBER HOW IT WAS WHEN YOU FIRST MET.
Turn off the TV and reminisce about the fun times you had. Have separate bathrooms, if possible. If you have to share, don’t use it at the same time for functional purposes, like brushing teeth. Sexy candle-lit baths and showers are OK…they can end with hot sex.
4. MAKE A LIST OF SEXUAL FANTASIES.
Look through a sex book together and be inspired by its suggestions. Make a list of at least ten fantasies. Don’t think about whether you want to try them or not. Just list them. Next, rate each topic on a scale of 1-5 for how willing you are to try it. Share your answers with one another. See if you can come up with something new to try together.
5. KEEP THE MYSTERY ALIVE.
No matter how long you’ve been together, make an effort to be seductive and keep your erotic connection fresh. Put some surprise into the relationship. Break the predictable pattern ever so often. Have separate closets, if possible. Either way, get dressed in private, except when you deliberately want to strip in front of your lover. Keep some of the mystery and unfamiliarity alive. This can help keep desire alive.
6. OWN YOUR SEXUALITY.
Read an erotic novel or watch a sexy movie to get yoursef in the mood. Think about times you were most sexually excited. You may even want to write out a script of fantasy to share with your partner. Try not to spend every evening together. Go out and give each other space. Distance and space can increase longing.
7. GET A SEX COACH.
Though many people know what they need to make changes with their partner, they often need to talk with an expert to figure out how to do it. Having a coach is a great way to not only get expert guidance and support, but to have someone hold you accountable for the transformation to take place.
8. Remember the efforts you made for your lover at the beginning, especially around grooming and self-care. Take care of your body for both of you. Those sleeping wears with worn-out holes in them may be really comfortable but not sexy .
9. Sometimes forget making love. Have sex. Scratch his back. Allow him pull your hair , if you have braids on. Forget for an hour or two all the daily demands, the mess in the kitchen and making the kid’s lunches. Go a little wild, let your hair down.
10. Go on vacations together, alone. Even if you have children, get a trusted adult to watch them. Try and get away for a night or two, or longer. Explore new cities together. Wear sexy clothes and have one or two cups of red wine. Sleep in a new bed and try multiple new sex positions. Have an adventurous time.
Sexual intimacy was created by God and it’s a beautiful thing. Let’s reclaim passion in our marriages, one bedroom at a time.