God created sex. It is one of His greatest inventions, and He made it gooood. God also designed marriage and made sex one of the pillars of marriage. This is why sexual desire is an essential part of any marriage. So important that the absence of it can cause a rift in the tightest marriage bonds. Intimacy offers several benefits for married couples, like building trust, providing satisfaction, and strengthening the marital bond. Sadly, married couples (who still love and care for each other) can get to the point where they are no longer sexually attracted to each other anymore. Sex becomes a mere routine, few and far between or completely non-existent. No more holding hands or kissing for longer than just a quick, dry peck on the cheek or whatever awkward part of the face it lands. Most times, these couples slowly and inadvertently lose their sexual desire for each other because of big changes or challenges they face in their homes. Getting whooped in the ass by parenting is one of the common reasons for the loss of sexual desire. Other reasons like hormonal changes, mental health, persistent conflict, poor hygiene or self-care and miscommunication do a tremendous job of snatching desire out of marriages. But the good news is that it can be restored.
First, you need to ditch the myth that sex should always be spontaneous and easy like you see in your favourite steamy romance novels and movies. Then, you need to be ready to create positive changes because, like any other aspect of a healthy relationship, reviving sexual desire takes time and energy. You have to put in tangible effort. Start by focusing on your connection with your partner. Being able to communicate is essential both inside and outside the bedroom. Ask your partner some questions you’d feel safe asking a good friend. Be open about your feelings. Once your communication is back on track then you can try these tips:
1. Boost your dopamine levels together.
One thing that put butterflies in your belly when you first met was the chemical cocktail in both your bodies. Recreate this by doing something new and exciting — something you’re both excited to try. Studies have shown that sharing an activity that is different and exciting can increase your sexual desire. For example, plan to meet at a restaurant or date venue, rather than going there together. You did that at the beginning before you lived together and when you still had knots of excitement in your stomach. How do you feel about getting a quickie in the restroom? Turn on? Do it.
2. Share more intimate kisses.
Yes like you did when you first met. Some couples enjoy deep kissing a lot, at the beginning of their relationship but tend to stop over time. Continuing to hug, kiss, and cuddle is an important bond builder in any healthy relationship. Kiss on the mouth regularly, during sex and at other times.
3. Compile a list of your sexual fantasies.
If don’t already have them, you can look through a sex book or film together and see what you’d like – what might take you to the sexually acclaimed Cloud 9. Make a list of at least 10 fantasies. If you can’t decide, stop thinking about whether you want to try them or not; just list them. Next, rate each topic on a scale of 1-5 for how willing you are to try it. Share your answers. You can also come up with something new to try together and rekindle your sexual desire for each other.
4. Keep the mystery alive.
No matter how long you’ve been together, make an effort to be seductive and keep your erotic connection fresh. Put some surprise into the relationship. Break the predictable pattern ever so often. Have separate closets, if possible. Either way, get dressed in private, except when you deliberately want to strip in front of your lover. Keep some of the mystery and unfamiliarity alive. This can help keep desire alive. Try not to spend every evening together. Go out and give each other space. Distance and space can increase longing.
5. Own your sexuality.
If you need to watch an erotic show or touch yourself to get in the mood, tell your partner. They can even watch you do it. Think about the times you were most sexually excited, what did your partner do to get you that excited? Tell them. If going down on you or licking your left ear was what opened your floodgates, make sure your partner knows. Ask them to tell you what excites them the most too.
6. Hire a sex coach.
Though many people know what they need to make changes with their partner, they often need to talk with an expert to figure out how to do it. Having a sex coach is a great way to not only get expert guidance and support but to have someone hold you accountable for the needed transformations.
7. Remember the efforts you made for your lover at the beginning, especially around grooming and self-care. Take care of your body for both of you. That worn-out pyjamas with tiny holes in them may be really comfortable but not sexy. Don’t stop trying to look nice and smell nice for your spouse.
8. Forget romance or love-making, sometimes.
Have crazy sex. Scratch his back. Let him pull your hair. Call him all the nasty names you only say in your mind. Forget for an hour or two all the daily demands, the mess in the kitchen and making the kids’ lunches. Let out all the loud moans and screams when the kids aren’t home. Go wild, let your hair down.
9. Go on ‘baecations’, alone.
If you have children, get a trusted adult to watch them. Try and get away for a night or two, or a week! Explore new cities together. Wear sexy clothes (or none at all) and enjoy the red wine with absolutely no worries. Explore different sex positions on your ‘new’ bed. Again, let your hair down. It’s a baecation, who cares who’s watching? You can be the couple who shakes the hotel up and sends sweet satisfied sounds through its walls if you like.
Here’s to reclaiming passion in our marriages, one bedroom, one kitchen slab and one backseat at a time.